Bailey's 7th Birthday

Seven years ago today I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I had two little boys at home and now suddenly I had a daughter. I remember Devin saying that night that he felt like a real dad now because he had both boys and a girl. I remember holding her and even though the after pains were intense, I was so in love with her. I didn't know then that I would only have her for 7 months and 18 days. I didn't know that I would be a bereaved parent. I didn't even know what a bereaved parent was. But what I did know, was that Bailey was special.

There was something different about her and I even felt that when I was pregnant with her. I brushed it off as maybe I was just so happy to have a girl, but somewhere in my soul I knew, I felt it.

Losing her was so painful, so, so very painful.Yet I felt like I had prepared for it, like Bailey and I knew that we would only be together on this earth for a short time, but we would be together in heaven forever. But how, as an imperfect, selfish human, can you say goodbye to your child? How do you let go and have perfect faith that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan? People ask me all the time how I survived losing her. They tell me that they would have died or gone crazy. Do they love their child more then I loved her? No, they just haven't had to go through it and they probably never will. It's not their test on this earth, it's mine, and Devin's and everyone else that loved her.

I remember my friend telling me that she struggled with her testimony after Bailey died. Why did I have to lose her when there are so many bad people in this world that have baby after neglected baby. Why did I have to say goodbye when I loved her and cared for her with all my soul? I don't have any answers other then I know Heavenly Father loves me and I know that Bailey was sent to me for a reason. She is the reason that Devin got baptized, she is the reason that we were sealed in the temple. She is the reason that my family will be together FOREVER.

The night she died was so surreal, I felt like a zombie walking around in someone else's body. But at the very depths of my pain I would feel comforted in a way that I cannot describe.At moments I felt so close to heaven. I felt angels all around us and a calm and peace that I needed. And for weeks after that night, people would come over and tell me that they felt different at my house. They felt a peace that they had never felt before. I know we were and are watched over. Our Heavenly Father is not cruel, he didn't do this to me, I wasn't punished. I know it must hurt him to see us hurt.And as much as it hurts and even if I knew from the begining it would end the way it did I wouldn't trade those 7 month and 18 days for anything in the world.

Even with all that happened there are alot of things I am thankful for. I'm so thankful that she died peacefully in her sleep. I'm thankful that she never had to suffer. I'm thankful that she never had to be sick, or hurt. I'm thankful that I know where she is and I never have to worry about her. And I am so thankful that I had those two little chubby baby boys to come home to and to smother with love. And of course I'm so thankful for the two i've had since then, as challenging as they are, they are here and that's all that matters.

Happy Birthday Bailey. I miss you and Love you!