Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Bailey's 7th Birthday

Seven years ago today I gave birth to a healthy, beautiful baby girl. I had two little boys at home and now suddenly I had a daughter. I remember Devin saying that night that he felt like a real dad now because he had both boys and a girl. I remember holding her and even though the after pains were intense, I was so in love with her. I didn't know then that I would only have her for 7 months and 18 days. I didn't know that I would be a bereaved parent. I didn't even know what a bereaved parent was. But what I did know, was that Bailey was special.

There was something different about her and I even felt that when I was pregnant with her. I brushed it off as maybe I was just so happy to have a girl, but somewhere in my soul I knew, I felt it.

Losing her was so painful, so, so very painful.Yet I felt like I had prepared for it, like Bailey and I knew that we would only be together on this earth for a short time, but we would be together in heaven forever. But how, as an imperfect, selfish human, can you say goodbye to your child? How do you let go and have perfect faith that this is part of Heavenly Father's plan? People ask me all the time how I survived losing her. They tell me that they would have died or gone crazy. Do they love their child more then I loved her? No, they just haven't had to go through it and they probably never will. It's not their test on this earth, it's mine, and Devin's and everyone else that loved her.

I remember my friend telling me that she struggled with her testimony after Bailey died. Why did I have to lose her when there are so many bad people in this world that have baby after neglected baby. Why did I have to say goodbye when I loved her and cared for her with all my soul? I don't have any answers other then I know Heavenly Father loves me and I know that Bailey was sent to me for a reason. She is the reason that Devin got baptized, she is the reason that we were sealed in the temple. She is the reason that my family will be together FOREVER.

The night she died was so surreal, I felt like a zombie walking around in someone else's body. But at the very depths of my pain I would feel comforted in a way that I cannot describe.At moments I felt so close to heaven. I felt angels all around us and a calm and peace that I needed. And for weeks after that night, people would come over and tell me that they felt different at my house. They felt a peace that they had never felt before. I know we were and are watched over. Our Heavenly Father is not cruel, he didn't do this to me, I wasn't punished. I know it must hurt him to see us hurt.And as much as it hurts and even if I knew from the begining it would end the way it did I wouldn't trade those 7 month and 18 days for anything in the world.

Even with all that happened there are alot of things I am thankful for. I'm so thankful that she died peacefully in her sleep. I'm thankful that she never had to suffer. I'm thankful that she never had to be sick, or hurt. I'm thankful that I know where she is and I never have to worry about her. And I am so thankful that I had those two little chubby baby boys to come home to and to smother with love. And of course I'm so thankful for the two i've had since then, as challenging as they are, they are here and that's all that matters.

Happy Birthday Bailey. I miss you and Love you!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

I love Sunday naps!


Ethan and his friends at the begining of the schools dance a thon. They are getting to that embarrassed stage, so they didn't ever really dance. They ran from the schools mascot and jumped a little bit, and that was it.
Ava and Milania watching the dancers.
Jack and his friend Max taking a break.
Jack was not shy about dancing at all. He danced so much he wore himself out!
And then there was Owen. He not only danced the whole time, he break danced. It was awesome. He even did a couple of handstands. I love how outgoing and sure of himself he is.


At the boys school the kindergarten through second grade celebrate the Native American tradition of potlatch. They make friendship necklaces and trade them with other "tribes" (classes). They make butter and eat cornbread. Jack has been to every potlatch since he was 6 months old. This year it is finally his year to participate in the potlatch!
This is him trading necklaces.
Shaking up the whipping cream to make it butter.
And enjoying his corn bread.

This is where Sassy likes to be

She likes to pull her stool up and watch t.v. in the kitchen while I cook. I thought she looked so cute I had to take a picture.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

These kids

This boy comes home from school so hungry and grumpy it drives me crazy, but then he does something( like cuddle in his blankets) so cute that I forget how mad he made me!
And this kid walks around with her blanket or doll in her shirt telling me she's pregnant. Sometimes she tells me to be quiet because she's nursing her baby. This morning she asked me to babysit her dolls so she could go shopping. Then in her cutest mommy voice she promised both of her babies she would bring them back some toys. SO CUTE!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

BEST Goodwill find EVER!

I went to Goodwill today because I needed an extra chair and a project to keep my busy today. i saw this one and thought it would be cute with some new fabric. Imagine my surprise when I turned it over to take it apart and found a Crate and Barrel tag on it. I got this chair for $5.99 and it was origianlly $174! So I went back and got the other one. I think they came out pretty cute.


Sometimes you are so busy you forget to lay down to fall asleep.

Monday, November 1, 2010

A day late and layaway

We took the kids to the mall to get their Halloween pictures taken today after school. I know it's the day AFTER Halloween, but I really wanted to avoid the crowded chaos and it worked. We were the only ones there and they didn't have any appointments scheduled for another 4 hours! Ava is going through a really shy stage and she won't have anything to do with getting her picture taken, unless... she can ride a train? Hey it worked, I got a picture and had an awesome coupon so I spent less then $20 and got 10 copies. If you've ever been to the picture people you know what an awesome deal that is! I wish I could post all the pictures from the shoot because they are hillariously bad, but I can't copy them from the link so I had to take a picture of the pose i bought.
On anther note, I started Christmas shopping tonight by putting stuff on layaway at K mart. I've never done layaway or kmart before so we'll see how this goes. At least i've started shopping!

She even sleep like a Lady

Ever since Ava was born she has crossed her legs. But this is to much, it can't be comfortable to sleep like this!

Bye Bye Halloween decorations

I took all my halloween decorations down today and put up my Thanksgiving decorations. i even made Thanksgiving valances for my kitchen. OOOOOhhh I LOVE NOVEMBER!!!